haiku 1

killing time's decried

when a bullet train is fired
a little crime died.

28 for the road!

The love of my life turned 28 today!!
Happy Birthday Hon Ko!!!

My New Home

Having lived in the dormitory for 11 years, I often dreamed of finally living alone in my own apartment. March this year. I moved out from the school dorm where I stayed for 9 years. I had such fun memories there but it was time to move on.

I found a cheap and convenient place. It was just 5 stations away from school. 10 minutes train ride. 1.5 hours by foot.

The place is idyllic. It is close to a river where people have BBQs and picnics and boating during sunny days. It is also close to where they hold fireworks display in summer. In the morning, you'll see people jogging and cycling parallel the river.

It reminds me a lot of the Bicol river, specifically the place near Basilica Minore where they do fluvial procession during Penafrancia fiesta. It was where I and my younger siblings used to jogged with Papa early in the morning before we ate our Atlantic Bakery pandesal with butter and drank our kape-gatas for breakfast.

And my room, I love it. It is dynamic as I rearrange furnitures almost every week. I am still not through redesigning it. Although it is small, there is plenty of room for improvement.

Gray is

shadow
ambivalence
indifference
limbo

Mysterious No More

D was my longest crush.

In my 12 years in SJS I had a lot of crushes but this guy never left the number one spot. From Grade 3 to senior year in highschool, I was infatuated with him. During our elementary days, he was considered a hunk. Girls adored him. For the usual reasons. Good in basketball. Tall. Big Eyes. Even the boys in our batch thought him cool. Even when he had already left to attend highschool in an all-boys school and I haven't see him since our elementary graduation, my crush for him didn't wane. Even in college, I was still daydreaming about him.

He was an enigma, and had remained as one. I didn't and couldn't know why I was so attracted to him then. So whenever I go back to my hometown, I would ask my SJS batchmates that if ever they meet him to please tell him that I was looking for him to ask him out on a date. I dunno if they took me seriously. But I was. Serious. A date with him would unravel all the mystery, I thought. I wanted to get to know him better.

But then just recently, I found him in friendster! Nope, he isn't a friend yet. Haven't said hi yet. Nor planning to. Not that I haven't overcome my shyness. I realized I lost interest already because he was mystery no more. And the small things I learned about him were big enough to put a period to the long time search.

It hit me.

He was better a mystery.

Prelude to the main course

I love this millennium for many romatic reasons.

I met the love of my life in 2003.
He fell in love back with me in 2004.
He popped the question in 2006, twice.
We will exchange "I do's" in 2007.

Not bad for appetizers huh?!

Homeless no more

I just came back from the Setagaya Library to borrow wedding magazines. While i was roaming the basement looking for wedding magazines, an old man sitting in one of the aisle chairs caught my eye. From the big shabby plastic bag beside him containing perhaps everything he owns, he was unmistakably a homuresu, or homeless. He was slim and already in his 60s. He was wearing clothes as shabby and dark as his bag but somehow he looked tidy and smelled cleaned. When I passed him, he was intently reading a book. Perhaps aware that his hands were dirty, he used a plastic bag to hold the book with both hands.

Wanting to get a closer look, I walked around the shelves near where he was seated. He sat with dignity and grace despite his sooty fingers. There is wisdom in his face.

On my way out, I wondered about the story of this old man's life? Does he go to the library everyday to read books? Because it sure didn't seem like he was just there for the shelter and warmth. For a homeless old man, he seemed to belong in the library, as if it was his home.

Ohh, he reminds me of Joe Pesci's character in With Honors. I hope the next time I visit the library, he would still be there. Maybe then I will have a chance to strike a conversation and hear his story. =)

Last Millennium

"When did you come to Japan? Last millennium or this one?" Milen, a Bulgarian and fellow Honjo scholar asked during our BonenKai (Year End Party) last December.

Strange, I thought. It could not be that too long ago. Last millennium?!

Ok. It's probably too late to realize that now since 7 years have already passed since the turn of the millennium but hey, it is never too early. hahahah!!!

So what did happen to me in the last millennium?

1. Conceived in June 1978 and was born March the following year.
2. Had a great time at school from kindergarten to highschool in Naga while twisting my Filipino tongue the Chinese way.
3. Had a superb time in college at UP, my first taste of independence.
4. Finally learned how to swim.
5. Bought my first suitcase, rode my first plane, walked on my first foreign soil.
6. Had my first spring, autum and winter.
7. Spoke my second foreign language.
8. Treaded the realm of romantic love for the first time.

And for this millennium, a lot of things has happened (and I can still remember them clearly). I would write about it next time.

Happy New Year Everyone!!
And Happy New Millennium!

Choice

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without.
If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with?
Fall head over heels.
I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back.
And how do you find him?
Forget your head and listen to your heart.
I'm not hearing any heart.
Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back.
Because the truth is there is no sense living your life without this.
To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all.
You have to try.

Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived. "

William Parrish

-Meet Joe Black-

***********************************************************

I had set out to find this kind of love.

No compromise, no indifference.

Just all or nothing.

That simple.

swiss miss smile

One of the things
that makes me happy
is the freedom to sip
a cup of hot swiss miss
while crossing the busy streets
of Japan.

I learned that today between meeting
deadlines and rushing about.

Never mind violating the
rules of good manners for
the Japanese. I was happy.

toilet humor

warning: gross content
===============

I am an irregular person. Yup! Among the things irregular about me, I have a very irregular, erratic bowel movement. I've been like this as far as I can remember. If my heart has a mind of its own, the same is true with my intestines. It has its own time and rhythms that I can not will it to do something for me, in my schedule. It can not be hurried.

But today, i have a deadline! Poop before 12 noon or perish!
I need it to get permission to sell food on our university's upcoming Harvest Festival.
And I've been stuffing myself with fiber and stomach-aggravating liquids but to no avail.
My body won't cooperate! I am drowning already! hehehe!

Grabe! It seems that inside, I have a dead end!

October 7, 2004

I am quite confused if one should use the word CELEBRATE or MOURN for a death anniversary. I would have settled for COMMEMORATE but I find it inadequate a word devoid of feelings. Anyway, today two years ago, my sister Ambel died.

Her death so sudden, it was a shock for all of us.

Even until now, I still sometimes hope that she was just abducted by aliens, or was involved in an international conspiracy that she had to be placed in an witness protection program and given a new identity and relocated somewhere faraway. I am still hoping that some outrageous reason had salvaged her from death.

During her wake, I was somehow hoping that the coffin would move, I was praying for a miracle that would bring her back to life like Lazarus. I was hoping that some movement would prove that the doctors were wrong when they declared her dead. Sa isip ko, natutulog lang sya. And when she wakes up, her smile will turn our tears from sorrow to joy.

But it never happened.

I always thought we still have time, a lot of it. I always thought we still have time to take a lot of pictures together, to exchange clothes, to quarrel, to laugh and cry our hearts out. I always thought that since we teased each other about pimples, we still had time to complain about wrinkles and varicose veins. I always thought we still have time to grow old together.

Kami na lang pala ang tatanda.

Through her death, she reminded me to use my time well. She taught me to value my time, to cherish every moment, this very moment because it may be my last second, minute, hour, day. She also taught me not to waste it on anger, on negative things.

Happy 2nd Anniversary!
May her soul rest in peace.

=)

plus one

there are moments in life
when the road to clarity seems endless...
when certainty is out of reach...

Flashback

Some of my poems are flashbacks of events and emotions I felt years and years before.
Here is one of such poems:

June 29, 2004
(08.11.06)

Matagal na pinag-isipan
kung dadayo sa pagdiriwang.
Nagdadalawang isip kung
tatahakin muli ang daang pa-Kalbaryo.

Ngunit dahil kaibigan ang turingan
Kahit batid na
Sa muling pagkikita
puso'y muling mapipilay

Hindi na bale!

Magsasaklay na lang ang puso

maghihilom din naman

kahit di alam kung kelan.

Pagkat sa ngiti mo ay mapapangiti,
At mabubuhay na muli.
Dahil sa saya sa mga mata mo'y
maligaya na rin ako.

Makikisaya na rin
Nagpapasalamat din naman
Na buhay ka, nandito ka.
Nakilala ka, kaibigan ka.

Ngunit sa bawat minutong nandun ako
kada segundo ding nag-iisip
Kung kelan isusuot ang tsinelas
At iuwi ang pusong inuunos.

Napagdesisyunan na magdamag
sa iisang bubong ay palipasin
Susubukang makisalo, makisaya
sa mga dumalong kabarkada.

Matapos ang kainan
Nakihiga na rin kahit hindi makakatulog
pagkat puso'y kumikirot
parang pinipiga, dinudurog.

Kilitiin mo man ang mga paang
Sa kirot ay namanhid na.
Hindi na kayang panindigan
ng mga labi ang ngiting kanina'y pasan.

Naghihintay na lamang
na magbukang liwayway
Para makapagpaalam na
Maiuwi na ang mabigat na dala.

Nang inihatid kami sa may pintuan
di na makayang lumapit sa iyo
pagkat ang mga ngiti mo'y
hindi na kayang masuklian.

Lumayo dahil di nais na
makita mo na sa mga mata
na hindi puyat, kundi tamlay
ang doon nakahimlay.

Summer 2006

Sala sa Lamig
(08.11.06)

Mula sa bintana ng ikapitong palapag
Umaapoy na paligid naaaninag
Nag-aanyayang tumiwalag
Sa karangyaang ibinansag

Ngunit kahit nakakabulag
Ang liwanag sa labas
Mamarapating malusaw
Sa init ng Inang Araw

Kesa nakakulong sa kwartong walang rehas
Nakakulom sa huwad na lamig
Napapasma, nanginginig, namamanhid
Sa hanging lumalason sa silid.

Subalit pinaghehele, inaantok
sa uyaying kanta ng makinarya,
Nilulunod, nalulunod sa ugong
ang pangungulit ng nunal sa paa.

Suway

Letting Go
(08.10.06)

Loosen your grip to Time's hand.
Let it go and bade goodbye
To all its caprices and ruminations
For its fancies you cannot afford
And Its spirit you cannot seize.

Let It fly with its arrogance
For Its humility pays homage not to you.
Remember, It dances not to your harp
But on Someone else's palm,
To Someone else's music.

Let Its charm
Brush your hair like the summer breeze,
But let not Its songs lure you
To dreams of would-, could-have-beens
For the melody will trick your soul.

Let Its wings own the wind.
Set It free
Though you were never Its master.
And do not forget, you were never Its slave
For freedom has always been your choice.

And though you were never Its parent,
Wean It away
For It need not your milk to live.
Also, don't seek its warmth, care and protection
Because nor are you Its child.

However, let It be a friend.
Let It be a part of your soul.
And Let the Greater Wisdom, teach you
That In your soul, Time dwells
And in Time, you live.

My Season

Summer Love
(08.07.06)

I love you
more than the Life
that summer brings,
more than its embracing Light
that wakes up my day,
more than its sweet night Breeze
that blows my nightmares away,
more than its festive Grandeur
and even more than its nude Simplicity.

I will...i hope and pray...love you
beyond summer,
beyond seasons,
beyond eternity.

Small but Terrible

Two of my siblings are celebrating their birthdays this June. Si Qyle nung nakaraang 7. At si Ujane naman today.

Z-Y-X-W-V-U....Yup! Si Ujane ang ika-anim.

Sa magkakapatid, siya yata ang pinakamalambing. Lahat kami hindi expressive maliban sa kanya. There was a time na lahat kami naaartehan sa kanya pag nilalambing nya si Papa. Hahaha! Inggit lang siguro kami noon. Hehehe!

But Pinakamaliit din kaya nung bata pa iyan, 1/4 ang tawag namin sa kanya. At pagnagpipikunan sa bahay, maririnig mong tinatawag syang Unga.

Siya rin ang pinakasingkit at pinakahawig daw kay Mama kaya tawag sa kanya ng mga kapitbahay namin ay Vacion.

Pinakaathletic din. Lagi syang may pasalubong na medal pag intramurals. Siya din pala ang may pinakamaraming medals!

Birth mark ng isang San Juan ang kasungkian, maliban sa kanya. Pinakamaganda ang ngipin nya sa magkakapatid. I always tease her to take her dentures off when talking to me because they're too distracting. Hehehe!

Ang ganda rin ng boses nya. Bibo din kaya ang daming barkada. Maabilidad din at masipag pa. And she knows what she wants to do with her life. Magdodoktor daw sya.

And bukas she'll be leaving for LB with her Manoy Wylmond and Manay Veverle. Bukas she'll be placing another stone in the dream she's building.

So to my beautiful sister Ujane,
Goodluck sa UP! and Happy 18th Birthday!!

Para kay Bunso

This day, a decade ago, I was busy preparing for college life. I was going to leave for Laguna the following day. Super excited na ako dahil sa LB, lahat bago. Bagong titirahan. Bagong kaibigan. Bagong guro. Bagong eskwelahan. Bagong buhay. I was preoccupied with the life waiting for me there.

But before ako umalis, ipinanganak ang bunso naming kapatid na si Qyle John. Hindi ko man lang sya nakarga, he was still too fragile. But I had to go.

So I left. I was living my dream in LB. Kaya din siguro hindi man lang ako nahomesick kahit once.

Tapos isang bakasyon, umuwi ako sa amin. Hindi na baby si Qyle. He could already recognize people then. Nakakatayo na rin sya at nakakalakad. Pero nang nilapitan ko siya, nagtago sya sa likod ni Mama. He was afraid of me. I was a stranger to him. Ilang araw pa ang lumipas bago ko sya napalapit sa akin. Nababysit ko rin sya kahit sa maiksing panahon.

And then time flew. Faster that I could count the years.

Lumaki na rin sya. Hindi na kami back to square one pag-umuuwi ako pag school breaks. Natatandaan nya na rin ako. Nag-uusap na rin kami na para bang matanda na rin sya. At pag magluluto ako ng ulam sa bahay, gusto nya katulong sya lagi. At kahit saan ako pumunta, gusto nyang sumama. At ngayon pag-umuuwi ako galing Japan, lagi nyang tinatanong kung gaano ako katagal sa Naga. The answers I could muster everytime were too short for him.

Mukhang nalulungkot din sya. Unti-unti na rin kasing umaalis ang mga kapatid ko for college. This year, 4 na lang silang maiiwan sa Naga. At least once a year lang kami nagkikitakita.

Kaninang hapon nang tumawag ako sa amin para batiin sya, tinatanong ko sya kung ilang taon na sya ngayon. Sabi nya, hindi nya alam dahil hindi sya sigurado kung 1995 or 1996 sya pinanganak. 1996. Sabi ko sa kanya.

10 taon na pala!

Pero ngayon pa lang yata ako nahohomesick....

Happy Birthday Qyle!!!

Stargazing

Yesterday, Dr. Norman Borlaug, a Nobel Peace Laureate, came to my school and lectured about the Green Revolution and the Gene Revolution. He worked with the CIMMYT (International Maize and Wheat Improvement Center) in Mexico, and once headed the International Wheat Improvement Program. He also taught in a number of universities in the US.

And he is my first Nobel prize winner!

At the beginning of his presentation, I was hanging on every word he said because I was afraid they might be his last words. He was speaking with apparent difficulty. This was probably because of old age (he is 8 year short of being a centenarian). But after some time, the flow of words were not strained anymore. He talked about how the Green Revolution and how it helped feed the people in famine. He talked about the problems that has remained unsolved and about their solutions.

It was a long lecture, but very informative.

But what struck me most wasn't the content of his lecture for I read about them already somewhere. What kept me listening was the vigor in his voice, and the contagious passion he has for his work, even at his age. He encouraged the audience, the students, to "reach for the stars, and never give in to mediocrity."

I was inspired.

After the lecture, we took a picture with him. Up close, he was just an ordinary old man, weathered by time and fortified with wisdom. And in his eyes, I saw that the flame is still there, burning.

He just re-ignited mine.