vacuum

sweet whispers
echoed back
yearning.
at last,
i came
face to face with
the answer
in the familiar voice
i heard,
mine.

Idiosyncrasy

20+ things about me.

1. Except for my watch, the only accessory I wear are earrings. ethnic earrings.
2. I am obsessed with my teeth that it takes me at least 5 minutes to brush them.
3. I don't like food/drinks that leave an aftertaste, such as chips and beer.
4. My skin can be a climatological instrument. hehehe!
5. I love slippers, those rubber ones na de-sipet.
6. When I was a child, my dreams were often about walking under the sea and flying in the skies.
7. Pink is my least favorite color.
8. Flying cochroaches over my head scare the bejesus out of me.
9. Except for maja blanca, I dont have names for the dishes I make. They are numbered though.
10. I love salads and soups.
11. Besides Naga City, I also call Guimaras and Los Banos my hometowns.
12. I love riding trains to and from Bicol.
13. I am a sucker for long mails (electronic and snail).
14. Walking is therapeutic for me.
15. Although I am afraid of riding bicycles, I want to be a triathlete someday.
16. Bhutan is the country I want to visit most.
17. I am drawn to weird people.
18. Seeing a body of water never fails to make me delirious.
19. I want to try scuba-diving, sky-diving and bunjee jumping at least once in my life.
20. I love wrap around skirts.
21. I am so afraid of the dark.
22. The sight of blood makes me faint.
23. The first things I check in a house are toilet and bathroom.
24. I have Dorie-syndrome.
25. I don't use pillows when I sleep.

Tugang

Ang bilis ng panahon! At kung gaano ito kabilis, tila mas mabilis pa rin ang paglaki ng mga kapatid ko! Sa 8 taon ko sa Japan plus the 2 years i was away for college before that, marami na akong namiss na mahahalagang parte ng buhay nila. Nagdalaga na't nagbinata ang mga kapatid kong noo'y binibaby-sit ko pa. And everytime tumatawag ako sa bahay, mas lalo kong narerealize na di ko na sila kilala sa antas na gusto ko silang makilala. Kaya kahit man lang sa telepono, nagpapakwento ako to somehow bridge that gap.

Kanina nang tumawag ako sa bahay, di ko na inabutang gising ang mga kapatid ko maliban kay RR. Si RR ang ika-siyam sya sa magkakapatid. Onse anyos na ata sya ngayon. (Di ko kasi tandaan kung kelan sila pinanganak na taon, hehehe!).

Nakakatuwa sya! Kapag nag-uusap kami sa fone, madalas pinagprapractice-san nya ako ng English. Ang kwento naman ni Papa, susunod daw na Manny Pacquiao ang anak nyang ito. Sabi naman ng sunod sa akin na si Mimin, magaling daw na artist si RR. Sabi nya dapat nakita ko yung coconut tree he made using clay as the medium! Sabi rin ni Mimin, kakaiba daw mag-isip si RR. Nagkwekwento si sya na nung mas bata pa raw si RR nang once they asked him what he wanted to be paglaki nya, he answered, "Gusto kong maging janitor." When asked why, he answered, "kasi pagjanitor ka di mo na kailangan mag-isip masyado, gagawa ka na lang." Bata pa marunong ng magrason. Paano na lang kaya paglumaki pa yun! Hehehe!

So back to our fone conversation, bago ako nagpaalam, hiniritan ko si RR na, "Namimiss mo ako?" Sa family namin na taboo yung pagiging expressive, nakakatuwang mag-antay kung ano ang sasagot ng mga sibs ko pagmushy mushy ako. When he answered, "No, meron namang TV eh," di ako nabigla o nagtampo dahil di uso sa amin ang ganun. But then before ko binaba yung fone, he said, "Magkakan ka ning tultol para dai ka magkamakulog (Kain ka ng maayos para di ka magkasakit)." Hehehe! Di ko yun inaasahan. ang galing nyang bumawi! At ang sweet!

Isa pa lang si RR sa siyam na namiss ko ang paglaki. I can't wait to spend an ordinary day with them again. Makipag-away over tv channels, over the coveted living room seats, over our banyo, over housechores, over anything petty yet fun under our roof. hehehe! I even miss getting scolded by Mimin pagnakikipag-away pa rin ako sa mga kapatid ko, for not behaving the way the eldest should. Hahaha!

Meron na ako ngayong isasagot sa kanya, "namimiss ko kasing maging kapatid nyo eh." =)

August 16

Maligayang Kaarawan sa panganay kong kapatid na lalaki!
Happy Birthday Emond!!

Pahiwatig sa Ulan

After a long period of hot, excruciating summer, it is nice to be visited by rain from time to time. After bathing the earth, it leaves it fresh as a baby's breath. Rains are refreshing to the surroundings as they are to the mind and to the heart. I have started writing this poem weeks ago but inspiration left me with a comma. Last night, the heavy rain poured with it words that led to the period in this poem.

*****

Laughter in the Rain

I saw the heavens changing hues
and heard the breeze whispering,
here comes thunder, laughing
almost rolling on its stomach
and lightning, chuckling
against the melancholic night.

Intrigued by the joke floating
among the clouds, I left my shelter
and took vigil outside naked

waiting...

....for the advent of tears
brought by the hilarity
of the secret they share
....for the tears to drown
the earthly worries
caging the laughter in the eyes
....for the warm water
to melt the frozen frown
and uncover the eager smile
....for its sweet kiss to touch
and erase the furrows
on the forehead toiled by Time
....for its gentle fingers
to run through my hair
and sing lullubies to sleep.

I am waiting
for the rain
to let me in.

Parola

There are times when I feel lost even when i haven't been anywhere else except where I am.
There are times when in the heart of a crowd, I feel the loneliest.
There are times when words could only jeopardize the fragile of hearts but silence could cause greater havoc.
There are times when I realize that being weak and being strong is but the intersection of two lines.

These are the times when I lose sight of my light house.

******

Light House

I paddled through the merciless Waves
Solitary in the sea ephemerally in rage
With but the indifferent Stars as my guide
And its cold stare, my cape.

Mocked by the Fog, in my despair was so unkind
She drained the stars and left me blind,
So to my weary but determined Hope, i relied.
Off to the dwindling Ember please, I cried
To the direction of the laconic beacon rendered deaf
By the ominous thunder in the silhouette.

In the oblivion, Breath pleaded for signs religiously
But my query echoed back with enmity
As taunting waves, stupefying my courage,
Corroding my resolve to endure this barrage,
To find my shore, my Faith to revive.
Oh Fate, jest but not with my Heart.

****

Mababaw lang

Binigyan ako ng freebies (scratch paper) pagpunta ko sa CIP office ng school. Syempre natuwa naman ako. Ang naramdaman kong saya ay pareho ng smile ko nung maliit pa ako pagnakakareceive ng pad ng scratch paper o eraser man o ballpen o purse (mostly promo goods). Feeling ko nanalo ako ng lottery. Masaya na naman ako.

Bert and Beth

SONNET #43, FROM THE PORTUGUESE:
How do I Love Thee?
By Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints! --- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

****
I was introduced to this poem in highschool. Back then, it was just some poem we had to interpret line by line. No more than homework. (And perhaps then, my romantic bone wasn't fully developed yet. hehehe!)

A few days ago, the title popped up on my mind from out of nowhere. Reading the lines again made me realize i should have paid more attention to my fave English teacher. Maybe if I had, I would have memorized it beyond the first line. hehehe. This is my second chance.

She and Robert must really be in love ne? Saya siguro nila!

Tugudug ko, para sayo to. =)

Ocean Jay

Last year, I posted an entry entitled Umi no hi. Ang haba-haba nun. Kinukwento ko dun in details kung anong nangyari last year during that long weekend when we had a four day celebration of a friend's birthday (actually kahit wala si Jay, tutuloy pa rin namin yung party hehehe!).

I deleted that entry for a while for editing but tinatamad pa ako. hehehe. So this year, instead of reposting that entry, gumawa na lang ako ng bago. And since these days, nahihirapan akong bumuo ng sentences, tinula ko na lang (baka kasi maging sintunado pa. hahaha!).

*******
Umi no Hi (Ocean Day)

Natapos ang masayang salusalo
nang dumampi sa mga labi
ko ang huling katas ng ubas
na bumulong, tulog na Ineng

Kaya't gaya ng dati ay
humimlay na nang mag-isa
Di alintana kung sino ang
kasamang pumikit ng mata

Kinabukasan sa pagtilaok ni tandang,
Naalimpungatang katabi
pala ang kaibigang abot-kamay
ngunit puso ay mailap

Tanggap, sanay at kabisado na
ang batas ng larong ginagalawan
ngunit bakit parang di na lang ako ang taya?
ako ba'y nananaginip pa?

Parang may kakaibang ligaya ang mga puso,
Tuwang maaninag sa mga mata't
pumapalakpak sa mga halakhak?
Di ko maipaliwanag ang nararamdamang saya!

Namangha sa muling pagtagpo ng aming mga kamay
habang binabaybay ang karagatang may laya,
habang nagpapaanod sa mga kumakantang alon
Na para bang ang daigdig ay amin lamang

Oras ay mistulang tumigil
simula nang magbukangliwayway
para bigyang daan ang deliriong ito
at panalanging 'wag munang magising

Toktoktok! Almusal na!
alok ng kapitbahay
Tara, bangon na Tayo!
Magandang Umaga!

synonyms for the day

ardor
fervor
fire

passion

zeal

ugma

just recently a friend asked me, "are you happy? "
without thinking, i replied, "YES!!!"

I am.

hamon ng baha

animo'y nag-aanyaya, nananadya
na kababawan at kalaliman ng puwang
sa isang tingin ay di maarok

para maglaro ng luksong tinik
abutin ang kabilang ibayo
nang di nababasa ang takong

o kaya'y magtampisaw sa lubak
di alintanang lumusong para
makapa ng paa ang totoong dipa

talinhaga ng ulan

dahil dala'y itim na payong
di makatingala
kaya't nakayuko na lamang

at sinusubaybayan bawat apak
habang dahang-dahang tinatahak
ang binahang daan

at kahit di mahimasmasan
ng tubig ulan
maraming talinhagang matutuklasan

ang mga bako-bako ay pinapatag

at mga kulang ay pinupunuan

ng biyayang pumapatak

Sailing on Rough Seas

I'd Rather by Luther Vandross

...I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart...

Lusong

Puyat sa sobrang tulog
At balisa sa kawalan

At bagamat mata'y matagal ng dilat
Liwanag ay di pa rin maaninag

Saan magsisimulang gumuhit?
Iguhit ang linya sa palad?

Paano?
May oras pa ba?

Isang maliit na hakbang
lang ay sapat na

para mabaybay ang
virgeng kalsadang
may bahid
ng tukso't abala

Bukas paggising
pipilitin ulit ibangon ang
mga natutulog
na pangarap

At iuunat
ang mga gusot
sa tinuping
larawan ng bukas

Itik sa Gitna ng mga Gansa

Kahit nasabon ng duda't
Natuklasang kailangang mag-igib ulit
Ang bubon ng kapayakan

Nakapag-ipon din naman ng mga mali't
Mga baku-bakong kailangang patagin
Pati mga tanong na tutugunan

At kahit kumakalam ang utak
At sikmura'y walang laman
Mga mata'y puno ng pag-asa

May natira pa rin namang sigla't
Lakas ang basang pakpak
Para maabot ang pangarap
Na isinabit sa ulap

Ed

When i was younger, Papa's girl daw ako.

Sabi ni Mama when I was still a baby, nagigising daw ako kahit madaling araw na pag umuuwi ang Papa ko from his byahes delivering shrimps from Calabanga. When I was about three or four, I was cheering in the bleachers when he was playing basketball in his alma mater's gym. Pati sa jogging (our family's fave exercise hanggang ngayon) sama din ako lagi.

My father came from a poor family, the third of seven children. He told us na when he was young, nag-aagawan silang magkakapatid sa am ng sinaing. Ang dami nyang stories during his childhood na di nakakasawang ulit-uliting pakinggan.

One of the stories he told us was about him working at a very young age. He was juggling jobs to help his family and support his schooling as well. He told us he went to "catch" shellfish in the river in the middle of the black night. Nagtinda din sya ng plastic bags sa wet market para magkabaon. When he got through college, ayaw maniwala ng barkada nya. hehehe.

Isa sya sa mga pinakamasipag na taong I have the pleasure of being related to. To support his 10 children, halos naikot nya buong Pilipinas just to find work and something to sell. Nagfishball sya sa Central Luzon, nagtinda ng banana from Mindanao, kalamansi, kamatis, tahong from Luzon and Visayas, at marami pang iba.

And he trained all his kids how to work to survive. Maliliit pa kami pinagtinda na kami sa kung saan saan. Dala dala bilaong latagan ng tahong, nag-squatter na kami sa wet market sa gabi para magkabaon out of our own efforts.

He also showed us how to treat people fairly, sincerely. He taught us never to be ashamed of who we are. He taught us that simplicity is the best policy.

Back in highschool when i was complaining that my classmates were receiving better grades than I was because they were affluent, he told me that my classmates were eating the same rice as I was. Di na ako nagreklamo ulit after that.

As perfect as he may seem, he wasn't faultless. But when you've been shown how to love unconditionally, forgiveness becomes almost a given.

Tomorrow, my dad will celebrate his 50th birthday.
Forever, we'll celebrate his life.
Forever, we will be thankful for the life and love he shares with us.

Magkaibang mundo

Sabi mo hinihintayin mo ako
Sasabay ka sa byaheng Bikol
Para punuin ang ilang oras na upo
Ng may kwenta at walang kwento

Ngunit ba't pagdating ko
Sa tagpuan nati'y wala ka na
Bakit ka nauna?
Nahuli ba ako't pinag-antay ka?

May dala pa naman sana akong pasalubong
Damit at ngiting bagay na bagay sayo
Ngunit ni salamat wala kang binanggit
Katahimikan pala'y mas nakakagalit

Paano na yung binilin mong gamit?
Kahit kay bigat para sa'yo aking binitbit
Tapos di ka pala sisipot sa usapan
Kawalan pala'y mas mabigat na pasan

Bakit di ka man lang nagpasabi
Na di ka na pala makakapunta?
Ni mag-iwan ng liham, magpaalam
Nagmamadali ka ba?

Ni babala na
Ang aabutan ko pala'y kwento't luha
At mga mukhang tulad ko'y tulala
Nangungulila sa iyong pagkawala

Ba't mo iniwan sakin
Ang trabahong mag-antay, magbilang
Ng araw, buwan, taon, dekadang kailangan
Upang malimutang mundo nati'y magkaiba pa

*Para kay Xybel

Aichi Expo

I just came back from Nagoya this morning. I was there since Saturday morning for the Aichi Expo and Nagoya gimik, a plan set-up a month ago by the NAIST people (Jo, Edi, Randy and my boyfriend, Albert). I came by the midnight bus from Shinjuku. I have been looking forward to this outing for so long! Good thing, i was able to sleep (although shallow) in the bus despite the excitement. hehehe!

Leaving Tokyo at 11:50 pm, I arrived in Nagoya Eki at 7am. Since their bus from Nara was arriving around 11 at the Aichi Expo East Gate, I had plenty of time to roam around check out the area before heading to the Expo site. Then, I took the train until the Yakusa Station and rode the bus to the Site's North Gate. From the North Gate, I walked to the East Gate where I was to meet them.

Before entering the gates, the Expo looked small to me from the outside. Pero pagpasok, ang laki pala! There were two islands for the exhibit: Nagakute Area and Seto Area.The bigger of the two, the Nagakute Area, was where we roamed around all Saturday. Di namin napuntahan lahat ng sights coz the place was really big! Di nga kami nangalahati eh! And ang dami din tao so ang haba ng pila! Good thing, ung mga kasama ko nagdala ng baraha so we were playing Posoy Dos habang nasa pila. Hehehe!

The longest line we had to endure was that for Toyota Group Pavillion. It took us 2 hours ata to be able to get a reservation ticket for their show later that day. Then we had Turkish lunch. Tapos we went to check the sched for the mammoth lab but the line was too long. So we decided to check out the places we could. The nearest was the Global Common 2 (North, South and Central America) where we visited the pavillions of Argentina and Dominican Republic. May United Nations Pavillion din pala where we met a fellow Pinoy student who lives nearby. Nagchikahan kami syempre. hehehe.

On our way back to the Toyota Pavillion, we checked out once again the line for the reservation ticket for the mammoth lab. We were lucky coz the line was not that long anymore. We went back to the Toyota Group pavillion just in time for their show. Nakasabay ulit namin yung maglolong nakilala namin sa linya for the reservation ticket. Nakatuwa sila! Maganda yung presentation ng Toyota. Ang high-tech ng robots, grabe! And after that we ran out to see the coveted mammoth of about 18,000 years ago exhibited in a frozen stage.

By the time we got out from the mammoth lab, sundown na. The view was spectacular outside! Ang ganda! Then we headed to the Global Common 6 (Oceania and Southeast Asia). Siyempre una naming binisita ang Philippine pavillion. Maganda and authetic yung exhibit ng Pinas although the simple facade was not that enticing to passerbys. Then off we went to the pavillions of Singapore, Cambodia, Laos, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Brunei, Vietnam, Australia and Pacific Islands.

For dinner, we went back to the Pinoy pavillion. Via Mare was catering. I ordered Lechon Kawali and drank mango juice. Their prices i could not have afforded if I had been in the Philippines. Sarap ng pagkaing Pinoy!! After that, umuwi na kami sa Nagoya City where we spent the night.

The following day, we roamed around the city, most of the time, on foot. We went to the Nagoya Castle by subway. Para makapunta sa castle, dumaan kami sa isang park where ang gaganda ng flowers. Pagkatapos ng hike namin sa Nagoya castle, we went out and ate kishimen (a noodle dish Nagoya is famous for) sa resto around that area din.

After lunch, we walked towards the Sakae District. Dumaan kami sa maraming parks. We stopped for a while to sit and to feed the pigeons. Tapos, dumaan din kami sa may Nagoya Tower, para syang Eiffel Tower. Pumunta din kami sa Oasis 21 na malapit lang sa tower. But since mas maganda magpicturan dun at night, we decided na babalikan na lang namin yun after karaoke. So we sang our hearts out sa karaoke for 1.5 hours. When we finished, sundown na so we went back to Oasis and took some more pictures. Then we went back to Nagoya Station for dinner.

We ate unagi, another dish Nagoya is famous for. Ang sarap!! Although nawalan na ako ng gana dahil goodbye was just around the corner. Their train for Nara was leaving at 9pm, an hour and a half earlier than my bus to Tokyo. So I had to send them off. Hay! After hugging everybody goodbye, pumasok na din sila sa platform. I was left there teary-eyed.

My trip back to Tokyo was a blur. Sa sobrang pagod, di ko na namalayan yung mga stop-overs. For the first time, nakatulog ako ng mahimbing sa bus!

Now, Im back...back to school...back to "Titanic," sabi nga ni Albert...baka next month ko pa sya makikita ulit...and im looking forward to that...when i can be with my Jack again.

Tagsibol

ang bawat hakbang ay
papalayo sa animoy panaginip lang
na lamig na pinasan

sa wakas
nalampasan na
ang pinakamahirap

ang bawat hininga ay
may halong halimuyak
ng nagdadalagang bulaklak

kapaligira'y kumakaway
halina, halina sa ulan!
pagkatapos ng niyebe'y sakura

Damdamin ang namumuong init
Lingapin ang samyong
umuusbong, lumalaban

Mas makulay
Mas buhay ang mundo
Pagkatapos ng kadiliman

-spring 05